So, a little background about me: I accepted Christ when I was 8 at a Christmas musical at my church. I had grown up in a Christian home and attended church almost every Sunday. Accepting Christ and being a Christian was the logical and -- at the time -- easy thing to do. My life walking with the Lord stayed simple until I entered middle school.
Middle school sucked. I mean that. I was constantly trying to fit in. I did what everyone else did, changing myself to be just like everyone else so I would feel accepted. Following Christ wasn't easy anymore during this time of my life. What was easy, was following the crowd, saying mean things, and doing things out of character. I'm not proud to say I pushed my relationship with the Lord aside when things became tough.
When high school rolled around, I grew out of this conformity stage. Unfortunately, I replaced the desire to conform with the desire to find my worth. The way I viewed myself was completely based on how others viewed me. I valued other's opinions of me far too much. I defined my worth by how many people liked my profile picture or how many friends I had.
Boys were probably the greatest place I tried to find worth. Whenever I was around guys I would constantly feel pressure to make them like me or at least interested in me. If a guy I liked didn't like me, I was devastated. I was upset when boys wouldn't text me first and especially when they wouldn't text me back. My standards in the guys I liked dropped significantly. If a guy liked me, I would basically convince myself that I liked him. The reality was, I liked their attention, not the boy himself.
Along with trying to find worth in boys, I also tried to find fulfillment. This was miserable and unsuccessful. Boys were just one of the many lacking sources of fulfillment. Also on the list were school, sports, relationships, parties, etc. I would look to these things to find complete satisfaction and every time I came up short.
When I got serious about walking with the Lord, I found the fulfillment I had been desperately searching for. God never fails me and never leaves me walking away unsatisfied -- unlike all these other things. What I've learned is that these things aren't bad things. School is important to your future, sports are a great source of enjoyment, relationships are beautiful, and (clean) parties are lots of fun. What I didn't realize at the time, is that although these things are awesome, that's all they are. Awesome, but they aren't worth living for.
The Lord is so cool in the way He works. He knew even better then I did how much I struggled with boys. And in His perfect timing, He brought me away from this struggle and back to Him. The sweetest part about this, though, is the way God loves me through this. Instead of taking away any communication or relationships with boys, He actually blessed me with more. These relationships are so different, though. He blessed me by putting guys in my life who love Him and who love and encourage me. I don't feel pressure to make them like me or be interested in me. I can talk to them about anything and our relationships are so much deeper than surface level.
The Lord works in crazy ways and I am so extremely blessed.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.
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